Deadly Buzz

The Seven Deadly Sins Of Branding

The recent discovery of a philosophical tract (Summa Brandalogica) amongst the personal effects of a prominent 17th century Venetian merchant has revealed that branding is not the latter-day phenomenon that scholars once believed.

Of particular interest is the section that deals with the Seven Deadly Sins of Branding (in the order immortalised by Dante in his Divine Comedy):


Lust

Lust is the excessive craving for the pleasures of the body. The lustful brand promises instant gratification, neglecting to mention the inevitable consequences on your health and well-being. ‘Eat, drink and be merry’, it says, ‘for tomorrow we die’; although the slim, happy and well-adjusted models that appear in its advertisements never seem to hint at the degeneration which follows.

Tell-tale signs?
Sweet, seductive and accommodating.

Most likely to say:
“Go on, you know you want to”

…leaving the customer feeling:
Gullible and sick to the stomach.


Gluttony

Gluttony is the voracious desire to consume more than you need. The gluttonous brand is insatiable, gorging on customers even when it’s full to bursting. Suddenly, it’s all over the place, wolfing down resources and gobbling up competitors simply because it can.

Tell-tale signs?
Licking its lips and permanently hungry.

Most likely to say:
“The more the merrier…”

…leaving the customer feeling:
Jaded and disillusioned.


Greed

Greed is the desire for material wealth at the expense of others. The greedy brand is always looking for an opportunity to fleece the customer. Exorbitant fees, hidden charges and punitive terms and conditions are its stock-in-trade and it preys on the vulnerable and the unwary.

Tell-tale signs?
Rubbing its hands and scheming.

Most likely to say:
“Sucker! There’s one born every day”

…leaving the customer feeling:
Exploited and used.


Sloth

What is it?
The slothful brand steers clear of anything that looks like hard work. It just couldn’t be bothered to make an effort, usually because it’s part of a cosy cartel arrangement. The only thing that goads the lazy brand into action is a threat to its monopoly position, when it blusters on about its huge contribution and makes a great show of activity.

Tell-tale signs?
Lumbering, slow-moving and unable to adapt to a changing market.

Most likely to say:
“Honestly, I just couldn’t be bothered”

…leaving the customer feeling:
Deeply frustrated


Wrath

What is it?
Wrath is the fury that’s born out of not having things go your way. The angry brand believes theirs would be a great business if it weren’t for the customers. Often, they keep this raging discontent bottled up until the last minute when they explode and unleash a barrage of insults and threats.

Tell-tale signs?
Pent-up, muttering under its breath and ready to explode at any minute.

Most likely to say:
“I swear, if I have to listen to another person…”

…leaving the customer feeling:
Fearful and intimidated.


Envy

What is it?
Envy is the grieving over the good fortune of others. The envious brand is begrudging and resentful, and bitterly disappointed when the customer chooses to go elsewhere. Brand envy measures success in terms of its ability to trump other brands and desperately covets their customers.

Tell-tales signs?
‘Me too’ ambitions, cheap gimmicks and gratuitous comparisons with what’s on offer elsewhere.

Most likely to say:
“Anything they can do, we can do better”

…leaving the customer feeling:
Duped and manipulated.


Pride

What is it?
This is what the ancients called the sin of ‘inordinate self-love’ and was often seen as the father of all sins. In brands, it translates as self-importance, born out of the deluded belief that the world revolves around you and what you have to offer. For the proud brand, it’s all about ‘me, me, me’ and the poor customer hardly gets a look in.

Tell-tale signs?
A monopoly position where customers are treated as little people, somehow beneath notice. If they don’t like it, they can lump it.

Most likely to say:
“If I ruled the world…”

…leaving the customer feeling:
Small, mean and unimportant.


Let he who is without sin…
We know gossip ranked highly on the naughty lists of the medievals too but we’d love to hear from you if any of these sins call to mind brands in the public eye that you believe are deadly sinners.

Cast the first stone by leaving a comment on this blog. Go on, you know you want to...